A bit of
'technical' humour to lighten the day...
When a tech says
s/he's coming right over, log out and go for coffee. : It's
no problem for us to remember 2700 screen saver passwords.
When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it
buried
under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried
flowers, and trophies. : We don't have a life, and we find it deeply
moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
When tech support sends you an e-mail with high importance, delete it
at
once. : We're probably just testing the email system.
When a tech is eating lunch at her/his desk, walk right in and explain
your
problem(s) and expect her/him to respond immediately. : We don't even
like
eating food and only exist to serve.
When a tech is at the coffee machine or outside having a smoke, ask her/him
a computer question. : The only reason why we drink coffee or smoke at
all
is to ferret out all those users who don't have e-mail or a telephone
line.
Send urgent e-mail ALL IN UPPERCASE. The mail server picks it up and
flags it as a rush delivery.
When you call a tech's direct line, ignore the bilingual greeting that
says s/he's out of town for a week, record your message, and wait
exactly
24 hours before you send an e-mail straight to the director because no
one ever returned your call. : You're entitled to common courtesy.
When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. : There's
electronics in it, right?
When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on a tech's chair
with
no name, no phone number, and no description of the problem. We love a
good mystery.
When you have a tech on the phone walking you through changing a
setting; read the paper. We don't actually mean for you to DO anything,
we just love to hear ourselves talk.
When we offer training on the upcoming software upgrade, don't bother
going. : We'll be there to hold your hand after it is done.
When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. :
Print
jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.
When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all
68 printers in the office. : One of them is bound to work.
Don't use online help. : Online help is for wimps.
If you're taking night classes in computer science, feel free to go
around and update the network drivers for you and all your co-workers.
:
We're grateful for the overtime when we have to stay until 2:30am fixing
them.
When you have a tech fixing your computer at a quarter past one, eat
your lunch in their face. : We function better when slightly dizzy.
Don't ever thank us. ; We love this AND we get paid for it!
When a tech asks you whether you've installed any new software on this
computer; lie. : It's nobody's business what you've got on your
computer.
If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog,
lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. : Mouse cables were
designed to have 45 lbs. of computer sitting on top of them.
If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on us. : Of
course keyboards work much better with half a pound of bread crumbs,
crisps, and nail clippings under the keys.
When you get the message saying "Are you sure?" click
"Yes". :
If you weren't sure, you
wouldn't be
doing it, would you?
Feel perfectly free to say things like: "I don't know nufink
about that
computer crap". - It never bothers us to hear our area of
professional
expertise referred to as crap.
When you need to change the toner cartridge; call tech support. :
Changing
a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard
recommends that it be performed only by a professional engineer with a
Master's degree in nuclear physics.
When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to
call the help desk. : We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a
third party who doesn't know jack sh1t about the problem.
When you receive a 300-meg movie file, send it to everyone as a high-
priority mail attachment. : We've got plenty of disk space and
processor
capacity on the mail server.
Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller
chunks. :
God forbid somebody else might get a chance to squeeze into the print
queue.
When you bump into a tech in the grocery store on a Saturday, ask a
computer question. : We work 24 hours a day 7 days a week, even while
at
the grocery store on weekends.
If your son is a student in computer science, have him come in on the
weekends and do his projects on your office computer. : We'll be there
for
you when his illegal copy of Visual Basic 6.0 makes your Access database
flip out.
When you bring us your own no-brand home PC to repair for free at the
office, tell us how urgently we need to fix it so your son can get back
to playing Call of Duty 2. : We'll get right on it because we have so
much free time
at the office. Everybody knows all we do is surf the Internet all day
anyway.
Don't write anything down; ever. : We can play back the error messages
from our video recording.
When we do something as a favour in our own time at our own expense,
feel free to criticise us.
That's OK, we don't expect you to lift anything or get under your
desk.
Manual labour was part of our IT degree.
When an IT person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges
in them, argue. : We love a good argument.
When an IT person tells you that they'll be there shortly, reply in
scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by
shortly?" : That motivates
us.
Don't learn the proper name for anything technical. : We know exactly
what
is meant by "my thingy blew up" and "I've got
gobbledegook on my
screen".
When you call someone in to fix a problem - don't tell them about the
other 10 problems until they physically arrive. : That's OK - we can
clear
our schedule for the rest of the day.
When your application can't do what you want, blame us. : We write all
the
software that runs on your PC and can customise it on the fly. Bill
Gates lets us do this.
Remember the IT person doesn't need to think - they've seen every
problem
before.
When you find an IT person on the phone, sit uninvited on the corner of
their desk and stare at them until they hang up.
When you think the network/e-mail/office application is going slow,
call
us. : We have a button to press that makes it go back to its normal
speed.
The instant you call us (on our mobile) we can see what's happening on
your screen and can solve it instantaneously.
Be aware that IT people don't need to use the toilet, so you have a
right to be upset if we don't answer the phone.
And finally, always remember.... we were sitting there waiting for your
call… The whole day!!
